June 26, 2003

The Winning in Losing

As I've been spending a lot of time in airports lately, I've had the opportunity to observe all measure of childish tantrums. From screaming and throwing things to using bad words and stomping, there are a lot of reasons for calling time outs out there.

And, no, I'm not talking about kids who are overtired from traveling too much. I'm talking about adults who don't get their way. Either they haven't gotten an upgrade they wanted, or they are berating a ticket agent over the weather or, in one case, the flight attendant didn't get the drink cart out fast enough.

It reminds me of a young friend of mine who when he would lose at a board game was prone to throwing the board and stomping out of the room. I hasten to add, however, that he was three at the time and in the ensuing four years he has matured sufficiently so that though he doesn't like to lose, he handles it with a certain level of equanimity, philosophically almost. Would that my fellow travelers had learned the same lessons.

They should all go play Candyland or Chutes and Ladders. The author and comedienne Jean Kerr, who wrote Please Don't Eat the Daisies, wrote about how she dreaded playing Chutes and Ladders with her kids because it was the kind of game where the outcome depended completely on chance and an adult playing with a child could actually win. Ms. Kerr was making a joke, but in interviews with parents and conversations with teachers, there are a great number of children who are not being trained to be good losers - good sports, they used to be called.

We have heard stories of parents insisting that games be replayed so that their child could get another chance to win. Back when trading Pokémon cards was all the rage, one parent called the school and insisted that a trade her child had made on the playground be reversed because the child was ultimately disappointed in the outcome. This complaint escalated into a shouting match between parent and teacher and was eventually referred to the principal of the school. The child was totally left out of it, told only that "Mommy will get your card back."

Now, nobody likes to lose, and no one wants to make choices they later regret, but that's one of the realities of living in our culture, and it's something children need to learn to deal with in their play - or they'll end up as adults screaming at airline employees about the weather. Learning to lose and face disappointments, as unpleasant as they may be, can also help children develop a sense of perspective and the motivation to try harder next time.

Of course, this must be done in balance and with an eye to the cognitive development of a child. Three - and four - year - olds love to win, and there's nothing wrong with sometimes "fixing" a game of The Wheels on the Bus so the little one can enjoy the thrill of winning. Neither do adults want to play Cutthroat Candyland or introduce games that are so far above the ability of a child that he or she can't win. At the same time, it's important when there is a game of chance for children to start to learn that chance is fickle, and they can be guided into appropriate modes of behavior when they do lose.

With older children, who are ready for games like Clue, Monopoly and Battleship, for instance, there is a level of thinking that's involved and learning to play these games can help children in an abstract way learn that their actions have consequences, and that the choices they make will have specific outcomes. Again, when adults play these games with children, they might want to adjust their level of playing to match the child's, but letting the child win every time is neither realistic nor healthy. Shielding children from disappointments and not helping them to learn appropriate behaviors when they have these experiences actually does a disservice to a child and can cause problems when he or she is in school.

One of the reasons we are so supportive of skateboarding and other kinds of sports activities (always practiced with appropriate protection and supervision) is that kids learn very quickly that they are not going to hit a trick perfectly every time. In fact, they actively learn through their failures to do things better, and they learn that practice makes perfect. This is the same with organized sports (when well - organized and effectively coached), but skateboarding is usually done informally among groups of kids, so the socialization and discipline occurs more organically among peers, rather than being imposed by adults.

How we learn to deal with success or failure goes way beyond who was the first to figure out Miss Scarlet committed the murder in the library with the lead pipe. It is one of the fundamental building blocks of healthy interaction with peers throughout life.

Oh, and as for that Pokémon card, the principal ultimately refused to reverse the trade, saying that despite the child's temporary disappointment it was fundamentally a good thing. "In my experience, kids only ever make one really bad trade," he said.